img_0207Photo by Regina Caeli

These footprints in the sand on this Oregon dunes path…

They do not tell you who walked that path. Was it a woman or a man? Or both?

Sometimes things are just not so clear in other areas of life either. The hard life of being born a true hermaphrodite is unfathomable to most people. See, it’s apparently okay for people to have a God like this, they just don’t want to see them in this “Real Life.”

They call me a Monster. The Freak.

I have been discriminated against since I was born, for looking like a male, and yet being told I was a female, and being surgically altered without my consent at birth. I was called a tranny when I was just a little child, and the general public had never heard of this. Do you even comprehend what that was like?

Those like me who are the ultra-rarest of the rare, (true chimeras multiple DNA male/female XXXY multiple zygote cellular merging) with testicle but absent penis are undecidedly forced into the female category, no questions asked on what “choice” do the parents want. And it is understandable. They just snip off the parts, the testicles-(I only had one descended on the left side-) Sometimes other things are done to make the infant appear like a single DNA XX girl, and a vast amount of info is on the internet.  Each year a few XY only males are born with absent penis, “Penile agenesis is a birth defect in humans, occurring about once in 5–6 million male births, in which a male child is born without a penis.”

And its a tragic thing, and they are then surgically altered to be female physically, and given hormones which do make them female in a physical state, despite the 46,XY male karyotype, but I am not that, I am not intersex or have CAIS, CAS, or AIS, this body has both XX and XY in it, two sexes with multiple zygotes fused together in the womb. A bad quaternion marriage. This is so rare that it is not even listed in most sex variable disorders or definitions, as most actual “intersex” people are single DNA beings but have XY male genes with androgen insensitivity syndrome or other such causes that effect single zygotes. I am a chimera, multiple zygotes. This is not a chromosome disorder as in 99.99% of what is out there. Each zygote was its own life. We just became merged.

A chimera is a single organism composed of two or more different populations of genetically distinct cells that originated from different zygotes (tetragametic) whereas mosaic is a mixture of two cell lines in one organism originating from one zygote.

And I had both estrogen and testosterone produced by my ovoteste in my body. Both female and male hormones effected my development, physical and mental. Had the male side not had this Penile agenesis, the penis not been absent, they would as standard procedure surgically removed the ovary and female anatomy, instead of my testicle… But it was…and so the girl side ruled. Or not?

Many don’t find these fact about themselves until such later surgery as I myself, they only suffer though an excruciating childhood. And so, after the time had passed in which I would have been circumcised had my penis not been absent, I was presented to the world as a girl. And Half of me/us is. Though I believe I was the only one fooled, as of course it was the entire towns gossip. Those dirty old nags.

It was 1999 about when my right side gonad was excised and biopsied, and then technically the cat-was-out-of-the-bag! It was proven to be an  Ovoteste– one of the precise absolute, unquestionable medical proofs that tell you are a rare true hermaphrodite. A god in truth. A very, very betrayed god.

I still have a gonad internally left, unbiopsied though, so that could also be ovoteste? My one verified ovoteste produced both estrogen and testosterone. And if the other is also ovotestes,  it is producing male hormones. So, that is three gonads, but where is the fourth? Whom can say? Perhaps the second ovary and second teste merged, creating only one Ovotestes, and that seems logical. One testical, one ovary and one ovoteste. 3. Yes, it seems this was what occurred.

There is even a spiritual theory, though you will not find it out there, that each segment of your DNA is a soul essence, so a XX has two of the X spirits, and the XY has a spirit of X and of Y, and so that would put in this body I speak from, four spirits. It’s would be crowded to say the least, quad-polar, not bi-polar.

And they cut the scrotum if its fused, and sew it all up to fit the fairly-norm-girl look, and this little xx/xy girl-boy now is only called a girl. Forced into the box of female only, and hated by its parents and world, mocked and derided each time this literally half XY person shows what are NORMAL and societally acceptable masculine XY traits. At least this is Bi-polar in its defacto presentation. We are never lonely.

I climbed trees and was derided, ridiculed, mocked, for acting like a boy. Then I liked to drive very fast cars and I was bloody despised. Each and every act my being did that was allowable for XY, no, actually desired, lauded, it became something that was hated because we were not allowed to be XY any longer, even though genetically we are half that. Can you imagine a male being hated for climbing trees and liking fast cars?

It can be a fairly simply surgery and healed within a week about. Or it can be more invasive depending on certain things, and the uretha structure. There are many types of these cellular variations, but I am what is classified as a multiple zygote 46xx/46xy versus the 47 or 48 karatype with extra CS, which can make your life more difficult, poor, people who I feel for. I am sorry for their troubles. I’m simply a merged zygotes, (or we are I should really say.) Though our Jewish DNA still made the risk of breast cancer so high, we should have had a mastectomy 40 years ago. See my mother, below. As Jewish as it gets

Mom and Dad

It was now twenty years ago almost that I had internal surgery that told me in no uncertain terms, you are the first born son of your parents!  Half of you is at least. But I did not understand all the implications for many more years. I saw the word ovoteste, on the report, but I just assumed it was medical jargon. And stayed in the dark a long time.

I always even thought I liked to be a girl, and sad I was not accepted as pretty enough for a girl, even though I am not just that. And never was even allowed to be that really. I was hated when I acted like a girl, and hated even more when I acted like a boy. I know I am gender-fluid. Some days I feel like a dress, some days I don’t. I am more than those restrictive designations, I am everything. We are. But, me? I am not so much.

The face will be asymmetrical a good percentage of the time, and the child will not be the pretty little petite thing most likely, but it will pass as an xx female. She is part female after all. Some will be beautiful of course, but that is not the norm, just as it is not for non-herm females. I was obviously a boy, but that was only my face.

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This perfect creature of God will be forced to pass as only a girl. Until Junior high hell and the locker room torture chamber. It is long behind me in years but only moments away in my head and my nightmares. It did not make me stronger, I think it killed me, but I already told you that.

I will never forget reading the biopsy that told me I was a hermaphrodite, that I had ovotestes. It told me in no uncertain terms what everyone already knew. I was not a man, I was not a woman. I can even recall my father examining me as a little two year old, almost three year old child, him in absolute wonder that I had been made to look like…just a girl…It feels like yesterday.

No, I did not fit so well. Not so well at all. My life has been hard being strange and non-pretty. And until I had my right ovotestes removed, I was clueless about the truth, but should have figured it it, knowing I look more like a boy, and especially when I was younger, and now, even now I believe that most human strangers see me (as they have even before alternative sexuality was common,) and they assume, think I’m a transgender, a DNA XY man that wants to be a female, and dresses like one, or even is surgically altered to appear female. I think that is what it is, but I am not that sure actually, so forgive me if I get it wrong. I am not that, I am not a transgender, I am XXXY, hermaphrodite.

But, I can still hear the chants in that girls locker room from 1974….

“You’re a boy!”

“You’re a boy!”

“You’re a boy!”

Yes, I think it killed me, but…I was born this way…

I still live in Oregon thankfully, born there and will probably die there, even though I have traveled a bit, and am currently bopping around, not caring for the really cold season, but when fishing starts, I like to be back on my lake. Oregon is a mother to me, and one that will outlive me I hope, if in fact it has not already. It has everything anyone could ask for, though more sun might be nice some years. It reminds me of the planet Oreg, or at least what I hope it might be like.

And now it finally allowed me to not be forced into the box of what I am not. I am not a man, I am not a woman, and that is how I was born, and all the surgery in the world will not change us. We are XX and XY, as royal as it gets.

I am still me, and even losing our little testicle, that cornerstone, the one they tossed in the trash when we were born, even that does not make us something else. It did not take out the XY genes is this body. That was flesh, not spirit. We are more than skin and meat and bone. And we have every right to exist in this universe. We are like God you could say, and the future is unwritten. But today is today, and tomorrow is never, and after all this…what am I? Us? A monster? Whatever!

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